How to Survive…The Zombie Apocalypse

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

So from watching a multitude of zombie movies, reading a bunch of survival books and also spending a butt-load of hours looking at my surroundings and the people in it whilst living my everyday life, I have deduced the following list to follow in order to survive the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse:

#1 – Get a weapon.  Even if it’s a makeshift one (i.e. a barbecue fork attached to a washing line pole) – you’ll need a weapon of any sort if you’re planning on getting to your safe place without getting eaten alive.

#2 – Fill a backpack with some basic supplies like bottled water, energy food (load her up with chocolate!) and some warm clothes.

#3 – Gather survivors who are handy – your grandma (unless she’s really hardcore and has a mean swing on her barbed-wired wrapped-Negan-style-baseball bat) is a no-go.  She’ll slow you down.  It’s survival of the fittest.  Trip her and use her as bait if you’re particularly twisted surrounded by the undead.  You’ll want people who are fast but also smart.  Running and hiding is ALWAYS an option, you don’t have to shiv every single zombie in your path.

#4 – Figure out your safe place well in advance – I often find myself in Starbucks or Greggs looking around and pooh-poohing the MASSIVE (and might I add SINGLE GLAZED) windows surrounding every single inch of the joint.  They break easy, they’re a full wall of glass and they’re a no-go.  Don’t even bother.  Unless you want to enjoy a nice macchiato whilst the hoard of undead are shattering their way through your coffee spot.  My personal safe haven of choice is B and M Bargains in Peterlee.  For a number of reasons really.  It’s got massive sturdy walls and big metal shutters.  Protection is key.  It’s also central so if you really desperately need to get something from Bright-House (your new digs at B and M don’t include sofas so this might actually be a good idea) or the pharmacy (bingo).  Not that your safe place doesn’t already have all your useful necessities like food, toiletries, camping equipment, bottled water, children’s toys (unless, like me, you chose to use them as bait too – they’ll only eat all your chocolate if you don’t) as well as a variety of garden tools that double up as weapons.  As an added bonus, there’s also a trolley stash which can be used as a makeshift battering ram in the likely event that at some point within the next decade, you will need to make a supply run outside of said safe house.  So for future reference, up until and leading into the event of a zombie apocalypse, always take in your surroundings, checking for safety shutters, sturdy glass and food and water facilities.  It’s also handy to stay away from areas of high human population (if you’ve played ‘Dead Rising’ you should know that any shopping mall is a no go – the same also applies to schools and hospitals) and if you insist on entering these areas then it is advisable to learn the correct zombie-event procedure, which is to place your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye.

5# – Maintain a communications system with (friendly) survivors in other outposts, be this morse code via flashlight, big paper and pen signs (“U OK???”) or good old fashioned carrier pigeon.  Please note, it is advisable to train ordinary pigeons in the art of “carrying” for several years in advance of an apocalypse otherwise the likelihood of them just buggering off once let loose is extremely high.

All that being said (and even then you really only stand a chance if you’ve been planning this for years like I have or if you’re a rich American nutter who’s built one of those huge end-of-the-world bunkers) I wish you the best of luck in your survival during the zombie apocalypse and if any of you need to look me up when it happens feel free to carrier pigeon me at:

‘B & M Bargains, 52-53 Yoden Way, Castle Dene Shopping Centre, Peterlee, SR8 1AS’.



    1. I end up getting told off by my partner before I even open my mouth to say something when we’re out and he’ll say “I know, I know, the windows would shatter or there’s no shutters..”


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