Here’s my typical scenario. It’s 1.47am and I’m lying in bed wide awake but so tired I could burst into tears and every time I start to drift off, Dave jump starts me awake with an unexpected warthog-like noise of a snore. Sometimes he snores so loud I can hear him from outside in the garden when he’s fast asleep in the bedroom. I’ve been sleep tortured since he came to bed at 11.30pm and now I’m at breaking point. Just when I think he’s stopped snoring and I can go back to blissful sleep, he jolts me awake with a loud snore. For the past two hours since he came to bed, I’ve kicked him, nudged him, thumped him, rolled him over, took his “cuddle pillow” away from him and tried to wake him up with some very loud, melodramatic exasperated exhalations of fury. Nothing worked. Honestly, I’m sure the amount of bruises he must wake up with every morning I’m certain I’m about five seconds from him having me arrested for GBH. My defence is always, “well if I’d hit you THAT hard you would have woke up wouldn’t you?”.
If you’ve ever been at breaking point – you know that point where you’re lying in bed exhausted and your partner is in their deep, snory, sleep and you just hate them so much that you are already practising out your “I’m filing for a divorce because I just can’t do this anymore” speech – here’s some stuff to try before ringing the solicitor and beginning the court proceedings for divorce (or GBH):
#1 – Try the usuals – rolling your partner over onto their side (most people only snore when they sleep on their backs because they are closing their airways when they lie like that), gentle (ish) nudges, etc.
#2 – Over the counter throat spray – Nytol do a throat spray for snorers which you just simply squirt into your throat before bed and it’s supposed to keep your airways open so you don’t snore (it didn’t work for us).
#3 – Anti-snoring devices (besides a good jab to the ribs) – these can be bought anywhere but we found a cheap one on Amazon and the snorer sleeps with it up their nose all night. Whilst we found that Dave’s snoring wasn’t quite AS bad, it still didn’t solve the problem completely.
#4 – Eat well and exercise – this is pretty much the solution for everything isn’t it? Sadly, we see this as taking the fun out of life and choose pizza, wine, beer and video games instead. Doctors and the NHS website will tell you that people who are overweight are more likely to snore than people who aren’t. I would completely agree with this if I hadn’t been with Dave since he was twenty-two and weighed about eight stone (wet through), had a six-pack to die for and played football four times a week. He still snored then as much as he does now. So quite evidently, that theory is pure bollocks.
#5 – Get a blue inhaler – whilst on a First Aid training course, I was informed by my trainer that you don’t need a prescription to get a blue inhaler anymore and quite often sports people use them to open their airways and improve their performance before doing sports. Apparently these are also great for snorers, although we have yet to try this theory because I mention the word “inhaler” to Dave (who doesn’t really do medication) and I get the same reaction from him that I would get if I asked him if he would like cream and cyanide in his coffee.
#6 – As a last resort, you can get an operation to widen your nasal passages (a bit extreme, although I suppose so is going down for murder in the first degree when you finally snap and kill your partner in their sleep) and again, we haven’t tried this one because of how quite extreme it is.
The solution is our house is quite simple, although not ideal.
I sleep on the couch downstairs…